pseudo relationships. . .
Tuesday, April 24, 2007got this from ivan's blog. .i can so relate to this! 
"PARANG KAYO, PERO HINDI"
She is a 24-year old copywriter. He is an architect. They met and became lovers in college. They broke up last year but remained to be"friends." They send sweet text messages and he calls her often to make sure she's okay. They still date. They still have sex. They don't see anyone else. It is obvious that they still love each other but when asked about their situation, she doesn't know the real score. Even her friends are in the dark.
"Parang sila, pero hindi."
. . .
She works in a telecom. He is reviewing for the board. They are in the same barkada. They talk on the phone till 4 am. He gives her chocolates,flowers and CDs even when there is no occasion. Their friends are suspecting something.
Bakit sila nagsosolo kapag may overnight inuman?
Why does he hold her close on the dance floor?
Bakit sila magkaholding hands lagi?
Sila kaya?"He hasn't admitted anything," she rants. "But I let him hug and kiss me. Parang kami, pero hindi."
. . .
They work together in an ad agency. After office, they would watch movie, have dinner and stroll at Glorietta. She gave him Harry Potter books for his birthday in exchange for posing as her boyfriend to make an ex jealous. They made out during the company outing in Subic and never talked about it.
He said "I love you" once but she wasn't sure if she heard him correctly because they were both drunk then.
But one thing she is sure of is her feelings for him. She likes him. And she's assuming that with what he's doing to her and with her, he likes her, too.
There's just one hitch: he has a girlfriend!
. . .
She is a 28-year-old virgin. He's a 35-year-old bachelor. Both mountaineers, they became close during their climbs. After a few dates inposh restaurants, he brings her to his condo where they would make out. They have been doing this for months. She wants to believe that "sila na" but then she's not really sure about it.
"We don't talk about it but it doesn't really matter," she'd tell her friends. "What's important is I am enjoying this — whatever it is."
. . .
The "parang kayo, pero hindi" stage.
Others call it MU or mutual understanding.
Pseudo-relationships.
Pseudo-boyfriends.
Flings.
Almost like a relationship, but not quite.
It is a phase where the persons involved are more than friends, but not quite lovers. Puwedeng may verbal agreement, puwedeng wala. One or both of you may have admitted your feelings, possible ding hindi. You just let your gestures do the talking for you. Walang pormal na ligawan na nangyari. Hindi kayo mag-dyowa. Pero sa kilos niyo, sa mga sinasabi niyo, parang kayo, pero hindi. This kind of "relationship" can happen at different stages for different reasons. It can happen after a break-up. You still love each other, and you want to be with each other but you broke up for a reason. And for reasons that you alone know, ayaw niyo na muna magkabalikan.
It can also happen before a relationship, iyong pareho kayong nakikiramdam. Possible din na ayaw niyo munang mag-seryoso kaya kunwa-kunwarian lang muna. Testing lang. Puwede ring hindi puwedeng maging kayo kasi isa sa inyo –usually the guy — may ka-relasyon na. Kaya habang hindi pa siya nakikipag-break doon sa girl (sabi niya makikipag-break siya soon pero di naman niya ginagawa), wala muna kayong relasyon para nga naman hindi siya nangagaliwa kasi "hindi naman kayo."
This pseudo-relationship stage, for a time, can be fun. Lalo na kung naghahanap ka lang naman ng "kalaro." Pero huwag ka lang magi-expect na may patutunguhan kayo kasi wala talagang kasiguraduhan. So bakit ang daming nagse-settle sa ganitong set up ganoong hindi naman sigurado kung may patutunguhan? Iba't ibang dahilan. Puwedeng for fun lang. Puwedeng "buti na iyan kesa wala" or puwede na iyang "pantawid-gutom." Meaning, habang wala pa iyung "the real thing", doon muna sa kunwa-kunwarian.
For those who are not in a serious relationship, they would think that pseudo-relationship is better than no relationship at all. It would be fun,if all you are after for is that "kilig" feeling. Aminado naman ako na once upon a time, may mga pseudo-relationships din ako. No commitments involved. For the simplest reason that they couldn't commit, because they were either committed to someone else, or that they weren't ready to commit.
My rationalization, "okay na iyun, kesa wala." Ang habol ko lang naman, iyong kilig feeling. Iyong merong nagtatanong kung kumusta araw ko. Iyong merong ka-cuddle sa beach outing. Iyong kapag tumunog ang cellphone, mapapangiti na ako dahil alam kong galing sa kanya ang message. Iyong merong laging kasama. Habang wala pa ang the real thing, puwede na itong pagtiyagaan.
But then I learned that although it was only a pseudo-relationship,the emotions were real. And usually, in this kind of set up, ang babae lagi ang lugi.
Una, you can't ask him to commit. Since it's not really a relationship, you can't demand commitment from your partner. Ano ba kayo? May K ka nga ba magpasundo ng hatinggabi? You will always be uncertain about your role in his life. You can't expect him to be always there with you. And if you feel jealous of the other girls, you just have to keep it to yourself. Ano ka ba niya para magselos?
Pangalawa, what if you fall deeply in love with him? You can't be sure if he feels the same way. Baka nag-a-assume ka lang na mahal ka rin niya. Even if you are dying to tell him you love him, you can't. Because you're not sure if he'll like it. Baka mapahiya ka lang. This stage will always make you wonder where you are in the relationship. Or if there is arelationship at all.
Pangatlo, what if you become attached too much? What if you have invested all your emotions and this man hasn't? What if you remain faithfulto him, not entertaining other guys, only to find out that he is seeing other girls?
Isa pang downside ng pseudo-relationships, it is fleeting. When a disagreement sets in, or when one of you gets cold, then that would be the end of it. Unlike in a serious relationship, hindi mo alam kung saan ka lulugar sa isang pseudo-relationship. Wala kang pinanghahawakan. Kasi sapseudo-relationship, there is no "us." Meron lang "you and me," hindi "us." Buti sana kung pseudo-pain din lang ang mararanasan mo. Kaso, hindi eh. Real pain. And usually, kahit tapos na ang pseudo-relationship, hindi mo maiwasan umasang one day, may karugtong pa rin iyun. And you will be miserable, hoping to bring back what you used to have, only to find outeventually that the guy is in another pseudo-relationship with somebody else.
Ang hirap, ano?
You agreed to this kind of set up for fun and then you'd end up hurting yourself in the process. Pero puwede naman maiwasan ang pain eh. Puwede naman na hindi mo muna isipin ang future and just enjoy the feeling, without thinking of the consequences. But if you are certain that you are going to hurt yourself in the process, kailangan mo mamili.
You can be happy and live the moment without worrying what would happen next.
Or you can stop settling with pseudo-relationships and wait for the real thing.
When I was younger and in a pseudo-relationship with an unavailableguy, a friend told me, "Sige, kung ayaw mong magpapigil, bahala ka. Magpakasaya ka. Pero huwag kang iiyak-iyak pagkatapos, dahil tatadyakan kita."
Ang bottom line lang naman, kung magpapasaya sa iyo, gawin mo. Ihanda mo lang ang sarili mo sa consequence. Dahil ang "parang kayo pero hindi"stage ay bihirang nagiging totoo. Usually, hanggang doon lang siya?
Almost . . . . .but not quite.
Previous Comments
let me talk about this. hindi lagi ang babae ang lugi. i just came from a pseudo-relationship myself, with a guy who’s had a girlfriend of six years.
i ended the shiznit just last week. he’s not begging me to come back, but i can feel him desperate whenever he messages me and when i saw him yesterday. i don’t feel guilt. if any, im sorry for him. but i’m not in love with him. at all. while he is. so who loses?
Posted by liz at April 24, 2007, 4:13 pmOh well, my motto: emotions should never be played with. Better to wait for the real one, than pretend and live in a fantasy world, only to wake up one day and realize that it was all a sham. Sure, you can date a lot just to see who might work and who definitely wouldn’t but to force yourself to feel something out of fear of being alone is kind of sad. Sorry, just my take on this thing.
Posted by virus at April 24, 2007, 5:52 pmdr. love is that you? hahaha ui ano na balita sau?
Posted by red at April 24, 2007, 6:35 pmI agree with Virus. I’ll never force myself to feel for someone no matter what… It’ll be so sad!
When I like someone I don’t hesitate to let her know then I’ll deal with it…
Posted by alvin at April 25, 2007, 3:16 pmbeing in a psuedo-relationship is very tricky. emotions are being played at and a lot of things are kept inside.. which, most often than not, always lead to someone being hurt. A LOT.
my point of view on relationships is very simple, when both parties like each other enough to consider being in a relationship, then GO FOR IT. spending a lot of time thinking about what if’s is useless because we are concerning ourselves with things we are not sure of. i always concentrate on the NOW. on what i am sure of.
i guess what im trying to say is that if two people can share time and be in a “psuedo-relationship”, then just go and jump the cliff and go for the “real” thing.
just my two cents.
rakenrol. ^_^
Posted by mikko at April 26, 2007, 7:56 pmLong time no-see! Hi! Sorry I haven’t been visiting blogs lately.
Marc and I were pseudo for a month. LOL! We called each other “my special someone.” Instead of admitting to each other that we liked each other, it was more of…
me: “Are we just friends?”
marc: “Well, you’re not JUST a friend. But I dunno. I’m confused.”
LOL!
Posted by Celle at May 27, 2007, 12:52 amhi trish! came across your blog from dats’ blog. nice space! 
if you don’t mind, here’s something i dug up from a blog entry dated about two years ago which i posted after receiving it via e-mail. it’s kinda long, but i think it goes well with the “pseudo-relationship” piece 
enjoy!
——-
“This is my tribute to the nice girls.
This one’s for the nice girls who are overlooked, who become friends and nothing more, who spend hours fixating upon their looks and their personalities and their actions because it must be they that are doing something wrong.
This is for the girls who don’t give it up on the first date, who don’t want to play mind games, who provide a comforting hug and a supportive audience for a story they’ve heard a thousand times.
This is for the girls who understand that they aren’t perfect and that the guys they’re interested in aren’t either, for the girls who flirt and laugh and worry and obsess over the slightest glance, whisper, touch, because somehow they are able to keep alive that hope that maybe… maybe this time he’ll have understood.
This is an homage to the girls who laugh loud and often, who are comfortable in skirts and sweats and combat boots, who care more than they should for guys who don’t deserve their attention. This is for those girls who have been in the trenches, who have watched other girls time and time again fake up and make up and fuck up the guys in their lives without saying a word.
This is for the girls who have been there from the beginning and have heard the trite words of advice, from “there are plenty of fish in the sea,” to “time heals all wounds.” This is to honor those girls who know that guys are just as scared as they are, who know that they deserve better, who are seeking to find it.
This is for the girls who have never been in love, but know that it’s an experience that they don’t want to miss out on. For the girls who have sought a night with friends and been greeted by a night of catcalling, rude comments and explicit invitations that they’d rather not have experienced.
This is for the girls who have spent their weekends sitting on the sidelines of a beer pong tournament or a case race, or playing Florence Nightingale for a vomiting guy friend or a comatose crush, who have received a drunk phone call just before dawn from someone who doesn’t care enough to invite them over but is still willing to pass out in their bed.
This is for the girls who have left sad song lyrics in their away messages, who have tried to make someone understand through a subliminally appealing profile, who have time and time again dropped their male friend hint after hint after hint only to watch him chase after the first blonde girl in a skirt.
This is for the girls who have been told that they’re too good or too smart or too pretty, who have been given compliments as a way of breaking off a relationship, who have ever been told they are only wanted as a friend.
This one’s for the girls who you can take home to mom, but won’t because it’s easier to sleep with a whore than foster a relationship; this is for the girls who have been led on by words and kisses and touches, all of which were either only true for the moment, or never real to begin with.
This is for the girls who have allowed a guy into their head and heart and bed, only to discover that he’s just not ready, he’s just not over her, he’s just not looking to be tied down; this is for the girls who believe the excuses because it’s easier to believe that it’s not that they don’t want you, it’s that they don’t want anyone.
This is for the girls who have had their hearts broken and their hopes dashed by someone too cavalier to have cared in the first place; this is for the nights spent dissecting every word and syllable and inflection in his speech, for the nights when you’ve returned home alone, for the nights when you’ve seen from across the room him leaning a little too close, or standing a little too near, or talking a little too softly for the girl he’s with to be a random hookup.
This is for the girls who have endured party after party in his presence, finally having realized that it wasn’t that he didn’t want a relationship: it was that he didn’t want you. I honor you for the night his dog died or his grandmother died or his little brother crashed his car and you held him, thinking that if you only comforted him just right, or said the right words, or rubbed his back in the right way then perhaps he’d realize what it was that he already had. This is for the night you realized that it would never happen, and the sunrise you saw the next morning after failing to sleep.
This is for the “I really like you, so let’s still be friends” comment after you read more into a situation than he ever intended; this is for never realizing that when you choose friends, you seldom choose those which make you cry yourself to sleep. This is for the hugs you’ve received from your female friends, for the nights they’ve reassured you that you are beautiful and intelligent and amazing and loyal and truly worthy of a great guy; this is for the despair you all felt as you sat in the aftermath of your tears, knowing that that night the only companionship you’d have was with a pillow and your teddy bear.
This is for the girls who have been used and abused, who have endured what he was giving because at least he was giving something; this is for the stupidity of the nights we’ve believed that something was better than nothing, though his something was nothing we’d have ever wanted. This is for the girls who have been satisified with too little and who have learned never to expect anything more: for the girls who don’t think that they deserve more, because they’ve been conditioned for so long to accept the scraps thrown to them by guys.
This is what I don’t understand. Men sit and question and whine that girls are only attracted to the mean guys, the guys who berate them and belittle them and don’t appreciate them and don’t want them; who use them for sex and think of little else than where their next conquest will be made. Men complain that they never meet nice girls, girls who are genuinely interested and compelling, who are intelligent and sweet and smart and beautiful; men despair that no good women want to share in their lives, that girls play mindgames, that girls love to keep them hanging. Yet, men, I ask you: were you to meet one of these genuinely interested, thrillingly compelling, interesting and intelligent and sweet and beautiful and smart girls, were you to give her your number and wait for her to call… and if you were to receive a call from her the next day and she, in her truthful, loyal, intelligent and straightforward nice girl fashion, were to tell you that she finds you intriguing and attractive and interesting and worth her time and perhaps material from which she could fashion a boyfriend, would you or would you not immediately call your friends to tell them of the “stalker chick” you’d met the night prior, who called you and wore her heart on her sleeve and told the truth? And would you, or would you not, refuse to make plans with her, speak with her, see her again, and once again return to the bar or club or party scene and search once more for this “nice girl” who you just cannot seem to find? Because therein lies the truth, guys: we nice girls are everywhere. But you’re not looking for a nice girl. You’re not looking for someone genuinely interested in your intermural basketball game, or your anatomy midterm grade, or that argument you keep having with your father; you’re looking for a quick fix, a night when you can pretend to have a connection with another human being which is just as disposable as the condom you were using during it.So don’t say you’re on the lookout for nice girls, guys, when you pass us up on every step you take. Sometimes we go undercover; sometimes we go in disguise: sometimes when that girl in the low cut shirt or the too tight miniskirt won’t answer your catcalls, sometimes you’re looking at a nice girl in whore’s clothing - - we might say we like the attention, we might blush and giggle and turn back to our friends, but we’re all thinking the same thing: “This isn’t me. Tomorrow morning, I’ll be wearing a teeshirt and flannel shorts, I’ll have slept alone and I’ll be making my hungover best friend breakfast. See through the disguise. See me.” You never do. Why? Because you only see the exterior, you only see the slutty girl who welcomes those advances. You don’t want the nice girl.. so don’t say you’re looking for a relationship: relationships take time and energy and intent, three things we’re willing to extend - - but in return, we’re looking for compassion and loyalty and trust, three things you never seem willing to express. Maybe nice guys finish last, but in the race they’re running they’re chasing after the whores and the sluts and the easy-targets… the nice girls are waiting at the finish line with water and towels and a congradulatory hug (and yes, if she’s a nice girl and she likes you, the sweatiness probably won’t matter), hoping against hope that maybe you’ll realize that they’re the ones that you want at the end of that silly race.
So maybe it won’t last forever. Maybe some of those guys in that race will turn in their running shoes and make their way to the concession stand where we’re waiting; however, until that happens, we still have each other, that silly race to watch, and all the chocolate we can eat (because what’s a concession stand at a race without some chocolate?)”
- Author unknown -
( find the stressed/highlighted/bolded/italicized version here –> http://psychodarlingangel.blogspot.com/2005_06_01_archive.html )
although this post is quite old, i still want to comment because i am currently in this kind of relationship…
What if the other party who has a real relationship with someone else fell in love with his pseudo relationship guy/gal? and the feeling is stronger than the real one? mejo mahirap. hay naku…
baket ba ko napasok sa ganitong sitwasyon!!! hayyyy!!
alam nio guys super karelate tlaga ako sa story bout pseudo relationship…..i dunno kung bkit we came up into like this situation….cguro nga dahil my LOVE na involved p din for both parties even if not saying but the instinct u’ve felt…
Hayyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!
CRIS!!!!!!! yorrralayb!!! mishyu *pouts*
JINKAY *hugs* i hope things will settle down soon. don’t give up on love *wink*
Posted by trish at September 21, 2008, 4:45 amif ever wala kau sa ganiong sitwasyon, please wag nio ng pangarapin….i am currently in this situation, and it is running for 8 months now….nkakabaliw….and im planning to end it soon,,…d ko na kaya…evrytime mas malla ung pain…hirap iexplain..pero masakit tlga sobra…i will post again next week kung anu mangyayari..im planning not to answer his phone calls..sana kaya ko..sana kaya ko….
Posted by mimi at December 1, 2009, 9:43 pmI have a lot of pseudo relationships in the past..but i think this time ako nman ang mafafall. i dont know how to end this.. everything is perfect except ang mag aminan kami kung kami ba o hindi… is this a pseudo relationship???
Posted by fenela at November 19, 2010, 9:30 am…gust0 q mgsel0s kasu hndi nman kame kea wla qng ryt….haaaayyyy…
Posted by flor at January 5, 2011, 2:55 pmhaaaay. ka relate talaga…..
we’re both committed, kaya we both can’t complain…if our friends will found out, how can we explain.. ako nga di ko maintindihan…ewan ko on his side.. though i’m sure naman we both special to each other.. feel ko yon.. or nag a- assume lng ako para di masyado nakakasakit sa sarili…we never talked about what we feel anyway…i asked him one time, ano ba talaga tayo, ako sayo… he answered me back naman, ‘perhaps if ur not committed cguro we’re living na together..’ that’s it, pseudo pa rin.. but he is committed also to his gf back home… grabe! it’s always fun naman when we’re together.. he told me to just relax and enoy what ever we have, so ganun nga… but till when? dunno! basta masaya ako pag kasama ko siya and vice versa…
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I can relate! What you’ve written is very insightful. I can hear my best friend’s voice through your words!
Posted by pansay at April 24, 2007, 4:10 pm