in my dream, we were just looking at each other. .no altercation nor discussion. .no expression on our face. .no physical contact. .i wanted to hug him and ask if he's pleased of who i am right now or what i have accomplished so far. .so many things to say, many questions unreciprocated. .but in my dream, something was holding me back from doing those things. .it's like i'm wedged and i can't do anything about it. .

i had tears in my eyes when i woke up. .the longing for him has always been with me. .
i felt restless. .

my dad bought me this piano and i started playing it when i was 3 and a half years old 

my biological father died in an accident when i was barely a year-old. .it left a big crack on our family. .luckily, my mom and i carried on with our lives. .it wasn't easy for her and i can relate to what she has gone through (only hers is better). .i was amazed that she never felt trapped in a world of self-pity and vulnerability. .i always see her as a strong and steadfast icon that i always look up to. .but growing up, i've always envied kids who has a father who looks after them. .a father who's THERE. .on the other hand, i guess things are better this way. .it would've been more painful if he will leave later on. .when my marriage failed, it was an ultimate catastrophe. .i don't want my kids to feel the emptiness i'm feelin' all these years. .i don't have a better solution for my situation right now, but with faith, hope and hardwork (lots!), i may be able to resuscitate. . .

we make mistakes, and regrets are our luggage. .
love is bitter, yet it is the bread that keeps us. .

the video reminds me that death is a commingling of eternity with time; in the death of a good man, eternity is seen looking through time. .hope is grief's best music. .the greatest test of courage on earth is to bear defeat without losing heart. .never lose hope. .