pain in our hearts. . .

if i were to tell someone about my life today, i could do it in a way that would make them think me a brave, happy, independent woman. . rubbish: i am not even allowed to mention the only word that is more important than the eleven minutes - love. .

 

all my life, i thought of love as some kind of voluntary enslavement. . well, that's a lie: freedom only exists when love is present. . the person who gives him or herself wholly, the person who feels freest, is the person who loves most wholeheartedly. .

 

and the person who loves wholeheartedly feels free. . that is why, regardless of what i might experience, do or learn, nothing makes sense. . i hope this time passes quickly, so that i can resume my search for myself - in the form of a man who understands me and does not make me suffer. .

 

but what am i saying? in love, no one can harm anyone else; we are each of us responsible for our own feelings and cannot blame someone else for what we feel. .

it hurts when i lost each of the various men i fell in love with. . now, though, i am convinced that no one loses anyone, because no one owns anyone . .

that is the true experience of freedom: having the most important thing in the world without owning it . .

 

eleven minutes (paulo coelho)

the aftermath of pain can be almost physical when you lose someone that you love – an ache that is blind to anything else - just a world of impair. sometimes things happen to you that almost rips apart the very thread of your being.

there came a time in my life where everything met at a crossroad. i felt deserted and almost drove me to insanity. one by one, like dominos, everything began cascading down. friends, family, and my dearest love. i felt there was nothing left of me as a person. i felt betrayed by someone i put my entire trust into. i wake up everyday and go through life in a daze.

i know there must be something better for me out there.

i just don't know where to look for it.

"should i even look for it?" i asked myself.

everyone plays the fool at times - unfortunately i learned a very hard lesson. reality became very clear in a situation. no matter how much we think we have control of our lives, the real surprise is when you see what your life really is. i have learned not to look for things that can make me happy, whole and pleased. i strongly believe that God will provide and i've learned how to be serene and to trust in His plans. . .

i'm still dealing with the repercussions that came out of my choices, but they are healing with time.

i'm learning to move on and slowly learning to trust again . . .

”saying goodbye, doesn't mean i don't love her anymore .  . i still do. .”

a friend of mine told me. .

how do you turn and walk away when a portion of your heart is longing to stay?

that is a question only the heart and mind can answer and it is not an easy one to answer. do you put your heart on the line again, or do you close the door and slowly walk away? only you can decide. i guess some things are suppose to remain a mystery. . .

my friend's message reminds me of the song "goodbye girl". .

cause baby goodbye doesn't mean forever. .
let me tell you goodbye. .
doesn't mean we'll never be together again. .
if you wake up and i'm not there. .
i won't be long away. .

all too often, the relationship fades and you are left with one person heartbroken and the other totally unaware. circumstances in life cause us to create walls of protection around our hearts. these walls also serve to encage us when we wish to be free. . .

at times i think love brings too much sadness. . .

dumugo ba ilong nyo sa sobrang drama?

doin' just fine

there was a time when i thought life was over and out. .
when you went away from me. .
my dying heart made it hard to breathe. .
i'd sit in my room, because i didn't want to have to go out. .
and see you walking by. .
one look and i'd break right down and cry, cry. .

now you say that you made a big mistake. .
never meant to take your love away. .
but you can save your tired apologies
'coz it may seem hard to believe

but i. .i'm doin' just fine
gettin' along very well without you in my life
i don't need you in my life
but i. .i'm doin' just fine
time made me stronger
you're no longer on my mind. . .

you were my earth, my number one priority
gave my love to only you. .
anything you'd ask of me i would do. .
somewhere down the road
you felt a change in the weather. .
and told me that you had to journey on. .
a kiss in the wind and your love was gone, long gone. .

now you say you never meant to play your games
but girl don't you know it's far too late. .
because you let our love just fall apart
you no longer have my heart…

i don't need you anymore. .

when you said goodbye. .
i felt so all alone. .
there were times at night i couldn't sleep. .
my heart was much too weak to make it on my own. .
but baby after all the misery and pain you put me through. .
so unfair to me girl. .
you're no longer my world
and i ain't missin' you at all. .

* i heartily dedicate this entry to A and J who inspired me to reflect on these. . .