pain in our hearts. . .
Sunday, February 25, 2007if i were to tell someone about my life today, i could do it in a way that would make them think me a brave, happy, independent woman. . rubbish: i am not even allowed to mention the only word that is more important than the eleven minutes - love. .
all my life, i thought of love as some kind of voluntary enslavement. . well, that's a lie: freedom only exists when love is present. . the person who gives him or herself wholly, the person who feels freest, is the person who loves most wholeheartedly. .
and the person who loves wholeheartedly feels free. . that is why, regardless of what i might experience, do or learn, nothing makes sense. . i hope this time passes quickly, so that i can resume my search for myself - in the form of a man who understands me and does not make me suffer. .
but what am i saying? in love, no one can harm anyone else; we are each of us responsible for our own feelings and cannot blame someone else for what we feel. .
it hurts when i lost each of the various men i fell in love with. . now, though, i am convinced that no one loses anyone, because no one owns anyone . .
that is the true experience of freedom: having the most important thing in the world without owning it . .
eleven minutes (paulo coelho)
the aftermath of pain can be almost physical when you lose someone that you love – an ache that is blind to anything else - just a world of impair. sometimes things happen to you that almost rips apart the very thread of your being.
there came a time in my life where everything met at a crossroad. i felt deserted and almost drove me to insanity. one by one, like dominos, everything began cascading down. friends, family, and my dearest love. i felt there was nothing left of me as a person. i felt betrayed by someone i put my entire trust into. i wake up everyday and go through life in a daze.
i know there must be something better for me out there.
i just don't know where to look for it.
"should i even look for it?" i asked myself.
everyone plays the fool at times - unfortunately i learned a very hard lesson. reality became very clear in a situation. no matter how much we think we have control of our lives, the real surprise is when you see what your life really is. i have learned not to look for things that can make me happy, whole and pleased. i strongly believe that God will provide and i've learned how to be serene and to trust in His plans. . .
i'm still dealing with the repercussions that came out of my choices, but they are healing with time.
i'm learning to move on and slowly learning to trust again . . .
”saying goodbye, doesn't mean i don't love her anymore . . i still do. .”
a friend of mine told me. .
how do you turn and walk away when a portion of your heart is longing to stay?
